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It has just been announced that Blackwell & Love chairman, Dr Gene Blackwell, was on the last plane allowed into British airspace before the UN Security Council imposed the international exclusion zone over the country. In a press conference held at Heathrow Airport this morning, Dr Blackwell explained that he was here “to stand shoulder to shoulder with our British brothers and sisters in their hour of peril,”. He went on to assure his audience that he would bring to bear all the weight of his vast experience and knowledge in bio-genetics & medical research on this desperate public health crisis, and vowed not to sleep until a cure had been found and provided to those in need. Dr Blackwell would not be drawn on whether a deal had been struck with the British government on any potential distribution rights, but insisted that an international public health emergency was not the appropriate context to be discussing commercial exploitation of any potential vaccine. 

“Let's just save some lives first, ok? We'll work out how much those lives are worth later.”

Dr Blackwell went on to reveal that Blackwell & Love's medical research teams have run tests on the pathogen sweeping the British Isles, and initial analysis indicates that the virus may be being spread by a killer parasite that has lain dormant in the British perma-soil for over a hundred thousand years. 

Dr Blackwell finally stated that in consultation with the British Home Office and Department of Health, B&L Director of Public Policy and Community Support (UK), John Speed, is advising UK customers to help take the pressure off the hugely overstretched NHS and to contact Blackwell & Love directly. Mr Speed has also been liaising with representatives of UK local government as well as working hand in glove with B&L group chief executive and Director of Medical Intervention & Emergency Provision, Dr Gerald Love, and has set up a network of sophisticated local drop-in B&L medical centers in every town & conurbation throughout the country. 

In light of the hard times occasioned by the closing of all sea and airports,  we advise our British customers to stay calm and continue with the officially mandated Blackwell & Love medication. To all visiting US citizens affected by the travel restrictions, we advise you to contact our mainline number: 0800 123 4567, where depending on circumstances and ability to pay, provision can be made for discreet transit via our transport & research hub on the Isle of Wight, HANTS. 

Are you experiencing any of the following symptoms? 

•'Sweet' pain (a mild euphoria combined with severe headache)

•Impairment of vision (which some have compared to the sensation of having 'X-ray eyes') prior to going blind.

•Extreme hunger and thirst, where no matter how much food or liquid is consumed, it seems never enough. 

•Inability to pass water.

•Violent body temperature variation, swinging between hot and cold.

•Sharp pain in the joints.

If you or someone you know are experiencing any of these symptoms, follow these steps until someone can reach you: 

•Do not, under any circumstances, leave your home.

•Close all doors and windows.

•Keep yourself separate from other members of the household.

•Take a cool bath.

•Prepare a draft of cold gin: the Juniper berry is a diuretic, as well as being a remedy for rheumatic fever.  Syndicated medical trials have discovered that if consumed at a low temperature and taken through a straw, gin releases insulin from the pancreas - hence alleviating hunger.

•Please do not call Dr Love direct, but phone the Blackwell emergency mainline on 0800 000 0000. An emergency team can be with you within minutes. 

•According to a sliding fee-scale, we will provide you with everything you need, ranging from early intervention to late stage palliative care including comprehensively tailored room-service - with empathetic counseling for your family and specially discounted post-termination administrative arrangements. 

Remember, there is nothing to lose – and everything to gain - by sticking with a Blackwell & Love medical regime. 

We're here for you. As long as you're there for us. Together, we can make you perfect.